Amy


Today is Cole’s due date. To type that out, with no little baby sleeping next to me, with no baby still growing inside of me, pains me. I tried to rationalize today as just another hurdle in the grief cycle. I thought it would be hard, but Hayden and I had been doing well lately, and I didn’t expect it to knock me over. But it did. And not just today. This whole past week has been hard. And by hard I mean full-out crying at work at lest twice a day. Twice a day was a “good day” last week.

As many of you know, I’m not a sit-and-dwell-on-it type of person. Life knocks you around and you really have no choice but to get back up and keep going. You can’t change the past, just learn from it and keep moving. And that’s how I’ve tried to deal with this. It sucks, it hurts, it’s all-out shitty…but we have to move on. As anyone who has been through the loss of a child will know, it’s not that easy. I carried him for 17 weeks. 17 weeks. Please know I’m not trying to take away the pain of someone who has lost earlier in pregnancy, but 17 weeks is a long time. 17 weeks is “are you going to plan a funeral?” 17 weeks is “what will you do with his remains?” 17 weeks.

I caught myself wondering, earlier last week while in the shower, if Jacob and Harper will grow up resenting Cole. As I rationalized it early that morning, we’ll always recognize the day we lost him, October 17, and we’ll always recognize his due date, March 31. After all, he would have been our third March baby. Would they resent that we stopped, remembered, and how ever else we decide to recognize these days in the future? Then I snapped back to reality and realized it’s important for them to know why we’re sad. To know why there’s an urn on the sofa table. To know why there are only two of them. When I really thought about it, I realized they will get the recognition every day. Every new thing they do, every time they make us laugh: we’re there in the moment with them. The least we can do is recognize Cole twice a year.

So, we’ll get through this day. Because guess what? October is coming at the end of the year. And March will be here again next year. We have no choice but to make a conscious choice about how we will recognize these days. Of course I’ll try to keep myself so busy I can’t think about it (hello, large birthday for two kids). I even started working more with Photoshop again, trying to teach myself new things. It’s easy for me to lose myself for hours trying to learn something new. And that’s part of the reason I instituted Book Thursday. I need some time to just escape in a good book–so now everyone has to 😉

Thank you for the thoughts, cards, and wishes you have sent our way. This is a journey and we’re walking it the best we know how. And we couldn’t do that without you. Each of you is important to us and to our journey.

Running Wild at the Zoo in the morning.

Running Wild at the Zoo in the morning.

Getting ready for the party!

Getting ready for the party!

Happy Birthday to me. Justin Timberlake concert and a day off work to recover. Awesome concert!

IMG_4485

We got 17 inches when we measured around 11:30 today. It continued to snow a little, then stopped, then started again. I think we may have gotten another 2-3 inches…but it’s still coming down.

Hayden and I shoveled and used the snow blower for two hours. We.are.exhausted! This was heavy snow and by the time we were finishing, the sleet had started, adding a layer of ice to the top.

We had today off from work, and I can only hope we get tomorrow too. I need a rest day!

P.S. This is my 300th post! Woo Hoo!

Cutest couple around.

Cutest couple around.

Posing next to the great tower he built.

Posing next to the great tower he built.

When I said I wanted to take his picture, he got his camera to take a picture too.

When I said I wanted to take his picture, he got his camera to take a picture too.

And then Harper had to get in on the action.

And then Harper had to get in on the action.

I asked Jacob to take a picture of us with the big DSLR. He did a pretty great job!

I asked Jacob to take a picture of us with the big DSLR. He did a pretty great job!

Playroom selfie. Notice Harper's fan? Never leaves a room without it!

Playroom selfie. Notice Harper’s fan? Never leaves a room without it!

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